Lovin and Livin
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008, 2009)New Court Date
We have a new court date. It is in January. Happy about that but sad at realizing that it is still going on!
Here is a brief time-line for what has gone on.
August 2006 I left and took the two older monkeys (at that time that was all the monkey’s I had) and went to a women’s shelter.
In September 2006 I started therapy and allowing the will be ex to see the middle monkey.
In October 2006 I stopped therapy with the will be ex because I was moving into an apartment and was unable to afford therapy with the will be ex and the rent, food, gas, and all the bills.
In November 2006 I moved into my apartment and was still working on making the marriage work but was very doubtful of it was going anywhere.
In December 2006 I asked the will be ex for financial help. He went me an email back telling me he didn’t have time to talk about it or think about it and that he really didn’t have the money to do it but he would get back to me when he could. Two days after I got this email a friend called me telling me that she had seen my will be ex buying a motocross bike. I decided to find a lawyer and file for divorce.
In January 2007 I filed for divorce. When he was served he started to call my phone. Called over 100 times in less than 24 hours. He called off working on the marriage as long as I was filing for divorce because he couldn’t possible make a marriage work if I was filing for divorce.
In January 2007 I met jack in the box. We started to talk and became friends.
In February 2007 I lost my job and had a blood clot. The will be ex decided to try and help me by keeping the middle monkey until Monday mornings. He refused to go back to what we were doing.
In March 2007 I was told by the will be ex that he had an illness that would kill him. I decided I really needed to give it another try. He was dying and I felt really bad for him. I was talking with jack in the box and he agreed. About 2 weeks after I had the talk with the will be ex and jack in the box my grandpa died. Jack in the box and I ended up conceiving my youngest monkey.
In April 2007 my cousin died and I found out I was pregnant. I told my family and that didn’t go over really well (actually I was pretty much ignored by my family the whole pregnancy). I also told jack in the box.
In May 2007 came a new lawyer for my will be ex. That was not a ton of fun. Court started again with the new lawyer. It was like we had never even been there prior to that point.
In June 2007 the will be ex called me crying and upset and begging me to try to make it work. I told him I was pregnant and there was no going back to what we were. I had no desire. I just wanted to go on and make life work.
In July 2007 we were in court but it went no where.
In August 2007 we were court ordered to go to mediation. I thought we came to an agreement while we were in there. After we left we implemented the mediation agreement/letter. About a month later though we found out that there were issues with the letter and the will be ex would not allow it to be put into an order.
September 2007 through December 2007 were a nightmare. There were tons of problems with the holidays. We went to court a few times here and there. Lots of reasons why.
In January 2008 I was feeling very depressed and wondering how much longer I would possible deal with the turmoil my life held daily. We had been in this divorce for 12 months at that point and it felt as if we had gotten no where.
From February 2008 – April 2008 we had more issues. The will be ex was getting the middle monkey to school late. We had numerous court hearing for who knows what at this point. Finally were order in April to have to go to Parenting Time Coordination to try and come to an agreement on custody.
In May 2008 we had a couple meetings with the lady at friend of the court and it was determined that we needed to have a custody evaluation done. There was no compromising and she was pulling herself from our case.
In June and July 2008 more court hearings and more issues come up. We had moved into another school district. The will be ex agreed to the change of school (we transported the kids back and forth for 4 months after we moved).
In August 2008 we had a lot going on. Court hearing that ordered the will be ex and his lawyer to finally put the mediation agreement into a court order. We had a trial/settlement for everything other than custody. We started the custody evaluation.
In September 2008 I was charged with truancy because the middle monkey missed part of the first day of school. Following my lawyers orders and keeping him out until the judge had made a decision. He was able to change school districts. Then there was an accident at the end of the month. The will be ex never took him to a doctor and still to this day denies he got hurt. This was the reason start to the end of this big mess.
In October 2008 we were in court regarding the accident and the will be ex not following doctors orders.
In November 2008 we started to see a specialist and a big problem with the Thanksgiving holiday.
In December 2008 we continued to see the specialist and struggled with holidays.
In January 2009 I realized that we were on year two of this divorce. Also we got the custody evaluation with a recommendation for me to have sole physical and legal custody. We also met with the specialist and the will be ex got into it with her. The last things were we started PT for the middle monkey and he had a neurological evaluation.
In February 2009 we got the rejection/objection to the custody evaluation.
In March 2009 we went to court. Yet again the will be ex didn’t show up. We had a mutual restraining order placed upon us both. The official object to the custody evaluation was placed with the courts and it was only a matter of time before we were given a trial date.
In April 2009 we were in court yet again because the will be ex had to aquire yet another lawyer and they were objecting to the mutual restraining order.
In May 2009 we were given our date for the trial. We were granted 3 hours at the end of June. We were in court for something but I really don’t remember why.
In June 2009 it was the end of the school year. It was the 1st of many trial dates. It was the start of some a heated debate about what our visitation agreement was.
In July 2009 I had to call the police to get the will be ex to leave. We went on vacation and I was supposed to be held in contempt of court for not showing up for a hearing (while we were on vacation). We ended up in court because of a bunch of lies that were submitted to the court; which were proven to be lies. Plus the will be ex lost even more time with his son because of him taking me to court (which he yet again didn’t show up for).
In August 2009 we got another date for the next hearing in September. We also ended up in court for something but I don’t remember what it was.
In September 2009 we were in court 2 times in less than 5 days. We had the objection to the lost time and we had our trial (#2). Pretty much it was the will be ex on the stand the whole time. Talk about nerve wracking! I was pulling my hair out.
In October 2009 we didn’t go to court once. It was a nice change and we were told when our next date was in November. We had a good October.
In November 2009 we had to go to court for our trial again. We were there for #3. The will be ex was on the stand forever again and then they added another witness and then it was finally my turn. We also got notification for the next trial date – January.
We are going to be going to court for the 4th part of this trial 2 days after I filed for divorce 3 years ago!
3 years ago!!!!! Are you kidding me? 3 years of misery. This has been nuts. I just want it over. I am glad we are coming to an end. It has been a long 3 years.
Oh What A Day
Yesterday I don’t even know if I blogged. I don’t think I did but I might have. Yesterday was a huge blur.
We had court yesterday I had worked myself up because I was going to be on the stand. Oh I was thinking I would be done and over with yesterday. Instead I barely got started.
The will be ex was on the stand for an hour and a half. Then they added another witness. Which I knew who the person was – or I was assuming who the person was and I was correct in my assumption. I also had an idea as to what the person would testify to if I was correct in my assumption. Then after I found out I was correct and listening to his testimony – I was once again correct. “Greatest dad. He watches my child. Would never leave my son with someone I didn’t trust.” and the crap went on.
Sadly the things the will be ex said on the stand were priceless. You can’t put a price on arrogance. I wish you could because man that would be nice but you just can’t.
Then while I was on the stand he is snickering/chuckling/laughing. It was not loud but I could hear it. Talk about a slap in the face. It was one of those things that he is trying to manipulate the situation. Like you are totally nuts and crazy and insane and wrong and he can’t believe you are even saying anything like this. Each smug arse grin and little snicker was a punch in my gut. I know it should not have been but he accomplished what he was trying to do. He made me lose what I was saying. He made me forget words. He made me disheartened. He was distracting enough that I didn’t say all I really should have said.
I would really love to go into all of it but I am going to refrain this time.
So I talked about the whole mortgage thing. I am only 30 points away from qualifying for a mortgage on my own. Well I will qualify on my own but I needed to get my debt down to 50 to 60% for all the credit I am paying on. Today after speaking with the lady at the bank jack in the box and I decided we were going to take our CD out (which is for our Disney trip) and take about $2000 of it and get my cards down.
Everything is down to 50% except for one card. That card is down to about 60.2%. By the time I make the next payment it will be down below 60%. So now at the end of December or beginning of January I am going to do a 3 credit report/3 credit score report and see where my scores are at. If they have gone up to where they need to be then I am going get back in touch with that lady and have her pull my credit report again. If they have not gone up enough then I am going to pull another report a month or so later to see where I am at. She said once everything is at or below the 50 to 60% that the score usually raises up in 60 to 90 days. Yet she did say that she has had people whose score has only gone up 5 points and she has had others who have gone up 150 points. So now it is a waiting game.
The sad thing is – If this does not work I will have spent a good portion of our Disney fund for nothing. If we don’t get a lot back next year on taxes and we did all this for nothing and we don’t have a fund for Disney I will have promised and broken that promise to a son.
Please God let this will I want be the same as Your will for me.
No Surprises
The will be ex does not surprise me anymore. Well that isn’t true but it is getting close to being true.
We have court tomorrow. So on a side note those of you who pray please pray for tomorrow. I am supposed to be on the stand testifying and I am not really nervous, not really worked up but I don’t know the things I should know. Yes I know the case but I don’t know the A-L of the child custody act like I should. We will be in court from 2 to 5 EST (so please pray).
Anyway – the ex has the middle monkey on Monday’s after I had my weekend. That would be tomorrow. Well you would think (maybe I think incorrectly) that since it is his day; even if we are in court; it would be his responsibility to make sure he was taken care of!
Nope – he called here tonight to chat about Halloween, school and then to tell him that no one would be there to get him tomorrow because we are going to be in court.
Don’t even get me started on the fact that he called to talk to a 10-year-old to tell him this instead of the other adult involved in this case! Or the fact it is the NIGHT before this is going to happen.
Back to what I was originally talking about though – I already spoke with my family about this. I already told them this was probably going to happen so if it was not obvious before that day be prepared for a call from a boy who had no one at school to pick him up.
I called my family tonight and they are going to be there to pick him up.
I just get so pissed that he is so freakin irresponsible! YOUR DAY – YOUR RESPONSIBILITY – EVEN IF WE ARE IN COURT YOU ASS!
Vent done.
Happy (FREEZING) Halloween
It might as well be Thanksgiving going on Christmas. It is so darn cold outside. All the rain has not helped any. Thankfully it isn’t really freezing or we would have over 12 inches of snow on the ground instead of puddles on the ground instead!
Okay so tonight is going to be so darn cold and really soggy. This is going to be my youngest monkeys first real Halloween. She was around last year but had no concept of what any of this was about. She won’t really have any concept this year either other than the fact that once she realizes what is going on and the fact people are handing out candy she is going to get it. He older brother will help her out as well.
I remember as a child running through the yards from house to house. This year my children will not be running through the yards from house to house. Way to much rain this past week to allow that! Well I am sure my middle monkey will try but with it being night-time, not being able to see the puddles in the yards I just will do my best to discourage it!
On a positive note; because honestly I have not felt like there have been many recently; I went over to Ruth’s house the other night and her realtor was there. He told me he was pretty sure he could help us get financed for a house. I was thinking yeah right but I will try, again. So I sent him an email with information he requested. He got back to me with someone from a bank he wanted me to talk to. She called me last night and I am only 30 points away from qualifying for a mortgage on my own.
Currently to qualify I would need a co-signer. I know of two people who I could use and really I am not willing to do it. Call it pride if you like but I would rather talk to this lady and find out what I need to do to get it up where it needs to be over the next 6 months I guess. I am pretty sure what jack in the box and I will need to do is take the tax money we get next year and instead of invest it like we were going to, pay off the one really large CC I have. It isn’t behind. It is current but it is closed. So since that is the case I think maybe if we get that paid off we can take the money we were paying on it and apply it to other CC’s to get them paid down. So we are talking about 5 months here.
Let me tell you that might seem to some like no time at all but to me, living here during the winter, seems like a lifetime. See during the winter I can’t open windows to let the mold/musty smell out of the house. It is freezing in here all the time. The furnace doesn’t work properly. I know those who read here know what I am talking about. It is just frustrating.
Which then leads me back to why don’t I just attempt it with a co-signer. Have a co-signer for two years or so and then refinance on my own in two years. Well because the only two people who I can use are my parents. I can’t use my parents. That isn’t true I could call them up and ask them and I am sure they would say sure. There are problems with this though. The fact they are going to feel like the house partially belongs to them, even though they won’t be paying. The fact that my mom is so negative about everything right now and then if her name was on the house and me dealing with fact that it isn’t up to her standards and she helped me get it. The fact that I would owe even more to them because they helped. My parents helped me once before with a car. It was not a completely bad experience but it wasn’t fun either. Knowing a house is a much bigger item – Sigh…
We will just go with working on getting the scores up. On average they go up over 3 months if you are doing things to improve it.
There is another option but if I go this route it could possible end up taking longer if I don’t end up qualifying. This gentleman had me start with a “normal” bank. He has some lenders he uses for people with imperfect credit.Which I am sure seeing how I am only 30 points away from a regular mortgage I would probably qualify for one of the other ones. Here is the down side – each time you pull your credit report it goes down at least 2 points. I remember reading at some point in time no matter how many inquire though it can only go down a total of 12 points over 6 months from people hitting your credit report. So going back to this – if maybe I could qualify for one of those the only issue would be I guarantee it would be a higher interest rate.
I am going to talk to this lady on Monday. The reality is I know what I have to do in order to get it down. I have to get more debt paid down. I have two medical items in collections that are in dispute. I paid them, they sent them to collections anyway and they have been in dispute every since. So do I just pay it and get it over with, even though I have already paid it or do I keep on disputing it until they totally take it off my report? We can do our best to pay things down prior to our taxes but I don’t think it will make a huge enough dent to make a difference but I think once that one card is paid in full it will look better.
It is positive and yet so depressing all at the same time.
It Has Hit Close To Home…
There is a huge scare going on in this country. The scare is about the flu that is going on. There are two flu’s that are going around and I actually think there is more than two. I have seen a couple of friends and their family have the flu and it was the flu but it was not positive for the seasonal flu or the H1N1.
A couple days ago my brother and sister-in-law found out a friend they went to college with was diagnosed with the H1N1 virus. She went on vacation with her husband and her 10 month old baby to another state. They were visiting her husbands mother and father. She was not feeling well so they went to a pharmacy to get some meds to help her. The pharmacy was closed so her husband decided to take her to the ER.
The doctors found out that her lungs were full of fluid, tested her for H1N1, and ended up admitting her into the hospital.
The doctors thought she was getting better and then her kidney’s started to shut down.
Here is this family. No where near the support system they needed. I understand that there was family near but really having two people verse her family, his family, sisters, brothers, and friends to help them in this time had to be hard enough to deal with. Yet they had so many people who heard the story were praying. They had a ton of people praying for them. I mean church’s here in my state. Churches in the state they visited. Churches in their home state. Churches in other states. People upon people who didn’t know her but believed she is a child of His and believed He would do what His will was.
She died today. God called her home.
I will never understand God’s choices. This was not because of a choice she made. This was because of an illness. This was a virus. This was medical. This wasn’t a crazy person killing her or hurting her in some way. This was the flu.
She was 27 years old. She had a 10 month old little son. She had a husband who adored her. She was called home.
He knows what He is doing. I don’t need to know why He does what He does.
It is just so sad. It is so hard for those left behind. My brother and sister-in-law are really struggling with this. I keep on praying. Now my prayers have changed a bit. It has changed from Your will be done to please be with this family. Well that was part of the prayer anyway but now it really is.
I often wonder if I would have the strength to go on if I lost a child or spouse. If you knew they were dieing it would be different than a sudden illness or accident. I don’t think it would be easy with anything but to have it so sudden.
On The Biggest Loser there was a person on there whose name is Abby (she was voted off last week). She lost her husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 week old son in an accident. She gave me so much hope. She made it. She was not really living but she stayed alive long enough to start living again. She is an inspiration.
God is good. There is no doubt about it. Moments like this though make it hard to see that through the pain.
School, Weather, Stress
My life is nothing but stressful. I hate having a stressful life. I feel like I never have peace.
In 1 week I will be back in court for the custody trial. The will be ex will be on the stand first and then me. Then it will be jack in the box and then if there is time it will be the person who did the custody evaluation.
I am not prepared for this. We have a trial brief and I truly should know it from front to back so that when my lawyer questions me I can just answer the questions. Sadly I have not even looked at it since we wrote it up on June. I know I need to do it. I know I am running out of time. Still though I just have no idea how to fit it all in.
School has been stressful for me this time around. I am a grown up. I made the choice to go to school. I have to make myself to the work. I have to make myself do the assignments and participate in the discussions. I am struggling with all of it. Winter here in this dreadful state has been coming early. Which brings on the darn depression earlier. That I don’t think is the biggest problem. I think the biggest problem is the lack of time to complete these things. Jack in the box works so many hours that I play mom and get very little done with school work during the day. I do get some things done but not many. Most of the time by the time he gets home there is no sun so I can’t go do photographs. On the days he does have off he typically likes to hunt and fish or whatever. Which we both try to work it around so that he can do it and I can do school stuff. It just gets so darn hard. There are not enough days of the week and not enough hours in the day and not enough weather cooperating for me to do this crap!
That is the other issue – on the days I do have that I can go and take the photos for the assignments it seems to be raining here. Rain would be a great thing if I wanted a water photograph. Typically though that isn’t what my photo is supposed to be about. Sigh.
I have not been able to just sit and type this all out so while I wish it was a continuous blog it has not been and so my mind has shifted.
I have a lot of stress in my life and I hate it. There are a lot of things I wish went differently but they don’t. They are not things in my control to change either.
We always keep our eyes open for houses to rent/purchase. Each time we find something though it seems that we have spent our saved up money that was for moving out. Each day though I am reminded of how much I hate the place we are living. I know some of the things are stupid little things. Like the fact that I have had to replace just about every door knob in this house! Or the fact that I feel as if I need to walk around with a hammer because none of the nails stay in place in the trim and we rip a ton of clothing on them. Or how about the fact that all of the ceiling fan/lights are broken. Or the fact that my dad who isn’t an electrician but might as well be spent a day here fixing a lot of our electrical issues. Or how about the fact that I have to use duct tape on the furnace so that it runs. Or how about the fact that we have replaced the glass in 3 windows but the house really needs all new windows. Or how about the fact that there is a leak someplace since our last two water bills have been up over $500 and the last one was near $1000. Or how about the fact that our heating bill is nearing $200 a month year-round (we are on the budget). Or how about the fact that our electric bill is just about the same because some of our appliances have to run all the time in order to keep our food cold. Or how about the fact that under our sink is all black mold or if you look up in the shower the ceiling is all mold.
We spend so much money to live here that we have no money to save to move away from here.
I am so frustrated with being here. I am frustrated with a lot of things about this house but I am not willing to put the money into the things because it isn’t my house! We actually were going to buy this place. But considering he wants $150 for it. Considering the fact he bought it in 2000. Considering the fact the house itself is rotting and how much we would actually have to put into it to make it okay. It isn’t worth what he wants for it. I am not stupid. I might have been stupid to move here but I am not stupid in paying that much for this dump.
Deep breaths and let it all go…
Change Part 2
Change is not easy but it is possible.
See yesterday I said I am still like my oldest in some ways. I tell white lies to those I care about because I don’t want to hurt them. Or because I just don’t want to deal with what they are going to say afterward.
Do I know it is wrong – you bet but yet recently when I am honest it tends to cause so many issues. So where do you draw that line? Do you just not say anything, are you honest to a fault or do you tell those white lies?
Just an example would be recently a friend I wrote about I was honest with. She was totally nuts – loving her husband, then wanting a divorce, then everything was great, then she was moving out and getting a divorce to the point where she then was trying to get pregnant. All in a very short period (she is currently pregnant btw). I was honest with her and told her she really needed to seek some help for what she was going through. She got made and really has cut out a lot of the communication we used to have. I hurt that friendship because I was honest.
So even though I know I should not lie I tend to do it. I do it because I don’t want to hurt people. I do it because I don’t want to be hurt. Still why ever I do it – it isn’t right. Yet I do.
See my son is a bit delusional. He is telling lies and he is really believing them. That is scary for me because I have no idea how to fix that. I can’t fix it because he doesn’t think it needs to be fixed.
We sat there last night talking about something he has been telling people and it came down to him yelling because he really believes in his head it is true. That isn’t normal.
Change takes work. Change is hard. Change is uncomfortable. Change takes effort. Change is worth it.
I hope some day my son gets better. I hope some day my son learns.
He is hurting inside I hope it gets better.
ARG….
Finally have a house that may be something we could do and we have no money saved to be able to do it.
Change
Change can be good. I say can be because you can always change into something that is not good.
In Bible study a woman said today, “If you can’t take the Lord with you then you probably should not be there.” Then she went on to say that she means in both thought, physical location and what you are actually doing.
We have been reading this book in Bible study and really that is something that we can all learn from. The statement this woman said is something that affects all of us. We all need to make changes in our lives when we actually accept God into it.
It isn’t easy. It isn’t always fun when we are making the changes because that flesh wants things to stay like they are. In the end though changes are good.
I was laying in bed last night and well had this break through. Or I thought I did at least. Actually I know I did but the real question is what do I do with the information gained last night?
My oldest son ran away yesterday. He did a half-arse job at it but that is what he did. I think though as the night went on he freaked out when it started to get really cold and ran to my sisters. I am sure he ran there because he was too afraid of what would happen if he came home after no one knew where he was for so long. So he went and made up some half-arse excuse as to what went on. While on the phone with her though his story changed about 4 times.
I have made excuse after excuse for him. He has had it rough. I treated him like crap. He has been bounced from place to place. His bio-father isn’t in his life.
The truth is though I didn’t have those excuses while I was growing up and I was the same way. The only difference though was that I ran away when I was younger. I had everything handed to me. I had two parents at home. I got in trouble but really it wasn’t that bad.
Yet we both have done the same things – lie, steal, cheat, manipulate
So then I start to wonder about why those things are in me and now him.
These are all things that can be changed. They are all painful to change but you can change them.
I used to be all those things. I probably do some of them still and just don’t fully realize it.
Dependable
I would like to think I am dependable. If someone asks me to do something and I say yes I typically do whatever was asked. There have been occasions I am sure when I have let people down but overall though my yes means yes.
I am in school currently. This means a lot to me. It requires I take photos of people. Most weeks I have between 3 and 10 photos I have to turn in. Sometimes more and sometimes less.
This past week I asked a friend if she would be able to help me out. She agreed. Then it turned into if my husband is done and can watch my son. Then she didn’t even bother to call to say he isn’t done and I am not ready. I drive over to her house to see she is not ready. I get inside and she asks if jack in the box can watch her son. No he can’t. Then it was well how long do we have to do these tonight? Ummm till the sun goes down – we have about 3 to 3.5 half hours left. Well what about tomorrow. I don’t have someone to watch Isabella that is why I did it for today. I just left. I was so hurt and so pissed.
Luckily for me though my son was home this past weekend and I went back to the house and grabbed him.
Overall they turned out okay. I am putting a few of them here. Don’t forget to click on the image to see the full thing.
I know there is nothing that anyone can do for me it just stinks to really realize that I have no one dependable in my life. My immediate family – as in those who live in this house are not even dependable all the time. It is really sad.
What does this say about my life? I mean really – does it mean I am a bad person because I have very few if any dependable people in my life? I hope not.
