Lovin and Livin
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008, 2009, 2010)It Is Sunday
If I want to be real technical it is Superbowl Sunday. Current as I sit at the computer the Saints are winning. I really do hope they win. They are the team I am rooting for. They deserve it. It is the first time they have ever been to the Superbowl and I think with how much that town has been through they really deserve to win. They have put in a lot of hard work. They have had to overcome a lot. They deserve a win.
Okay so I sit here and still have no answer but for no reason at all I am okay with that. I was told yesterday that the gentleman who is working on our mortgage is out right now. He has someone who is ill and dying in his family and he is taking care of them or helping to take care of them. I hope and pray that God gives them comfort in this time. I really wish I had an answer from him but really right now I am okay with whatever comes.
We are still a one car family. I am still frustrated about that. I love my car. I busted my butt to pay for it myself. I had horrible credit and my parents bought it for me on their second mortgage and I paid for it myself. My will be ex was around when I got this car but it was my car and my responsibility. When I had my two break down and ended up in the mental health hospital the car payments were not made. He refused to make them. They were not his bill so for that reason I am grateful my parents held that bill. Still though I have always babied that car so the fact it might be on its last leg is really killing me.
(SAINTS WON – YAY!)
Tonight I decided I am so sick of being in debt. Our credit cards went nuts when Jack in the Box lost his job and he didn’t get unemployment. We struggled with bills and food and gas and money. We used or credit cards and put them right at the max level. We burned through all our savings/emergency fund. We were broke. This time though Jack in the Box did get unemployment and so we are not using the cards. We took a big chunk of our taxes from last year and got my credit cards down to 50-60%. We have a huge bill with Art Van though. It is about half of all our credit card debt. We are paying it off this Friday (or so) though. So our total credit card debt is going to drop by just about 50%! I decided I am going to do the Dave Ramsey method for paying off the credit cards. We do have bills that are not credit cards that I could be incorporating into this method but right now I just want to get the credit cards paid off. Then after all of that is paid off I will take what I was paying in credit cards and do a $1000 emergency fund (you are supposed to do this first but right now I am doing things my way) and then take the money I was paying on credit cards and get the van paid off. Even though I didn’t take the time to figure it all out with some estimating in my head by this time next year we should be down to 1 credit card with a balance.
I was going to do this before. I started to do it before and then I let it all fall by the way side. I said oh well and when I paid something off I would either use it again or I would take the money and spend it on whatever (food, gas, etc.). This time I want to be more dedicated to getting this done.
The thought of only have a car payment, having our regular monthly bills (which will never go away), rent/mortgage and some past debts we need to work on paying off (the truck we turned in a year ago) make my heart sing! We will still use our credit cards – rotate them so like once a month we are using one card and only using what can be paid off the next month. Say maybe $10 of gas or something like that. That way we continue to have a credit score and can get a car if we need to or a mortgage or whatever is needed – if we really can’t afford to pay in cash. That would really be a great feeling to be living like that.
Oh and I went to church today. There was no fighting with children to get there (thankfully). Afterward though was another story. My Middle Monkey is going to be the death of me (along with my Oldest Monkey). MM has decided he doesn’t like church, really believe in God, and lets the world know it; especially when we are at church. Sigh. My embarrassment and frustration level are so out of control with this that most of the time I just avoid going. Getting out the door is usually a pain in the first place. Thankfully today it was not. That is usually where I lose it and end up not going. Today though I went. I felt so good to be there! It was a choir Sunday as well. I love music – it truly soothes my soul. Today I went and sat in the front row and they were already up there singing. The best part of today was as the choir came down four of the people stopped and gave me huge hugs and told me how happy they were to see me. It warmed my heart.
I have so much more I want to write about tonight but I have a swimming brain right now.
I Just Want to Scream
We have two cars in this house. Well let me rephrase that we HAD two cars in this house.
My old trusty Saturn. Love that car. I bought that car back in 1998. Always did oil changes when needed. Always took care of it. Never let it be behind on maintenance. Back when I left the will be ex there were things that had to be fixed. I got them fixed. Than in 2007 I went and had to replace the radiator and thermostat on it. Now those two things are having issues again.
I don’t dare let him drive it. Jack in the box had taken over my car when we got the van and got rid of his truck. I would have gladly kept my car. I love my car but he said he wanted me in the van.
Now here is my frustration with all of this – he has only gotten 1 oil change. I have gotten mad and angry at him about this but nothing has changed. Now we are down to one car.
With us being down to one car I don’t get to go and visit my best friend because I can’t leave jack in the box here with the children without a car! Not to mention if by the time I was planning on going he has a job than it really isn’t an option because I will have to be taking him to and from.
It is always something. I am really waiting for the other shoe to drop now. I am waiting to hear you were not approved for a mortgage since we will have the money to buy a used car.
I know families live with one car all the time. I know it is possible. I know there are days I never leave the house and I don’t need a car. Then again there are days when I am up early for appointments and driving far for them. There are days that are just going to be insane now.
I really want to cry. I don’t like having one car. I don’t want to have just one car. I hate having one car.
I just want to scream!
I Need to Learn How to be Patient
I think that is what He has been trying to teach me.
This divorce is taking forever.
Now this whole house thing.
I just have to pray. Put it in His hands. Then sit back and wait.
Just because I put it in His hands does not mean I just sit by in idle mode but it does mean He is in control of it. It will not do me any good to sit around and worry about it because He is in control of it. He has it in His hands just like you are in His hands.
So now I am learning how to be patient (let me say though that there is no doubt in my mind – this is one of the worst lessons to learn!)
New Day
I am trying to see that this is a new day. I am trying to be positive and shake off yesterday.
I got up today and got my middle monkey off to school and decided to get on the elliptical. This AM I did 15 minutes and 132 calories. So at this moment in time I have already gotten on the elliptical and done what I planned to do today. I think right now I am going to attempt to do my calorie goal twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night.
I know it won’t seem like I am doing as much then. If I break up what I am doing each day. Then I am doing more but maybe I will trick my body or my mind. Not sure but it is worth a try.
Today I am actually going to go to Bible study. I have not been doing that. Youngest Monkey has been sick and since I typically take her with me I have not been going. Not a very valid excuse since Jack in the Box has been home and not working. Although there have been a lot of Wednesdays where he has been gone. This week I am going. I told a friend who helps run the program I would be there and so I am going. Youngest Monkey will just have to sit with daddy today while I go out for a break!
I really do miss church and Bible study but it is like there is something in me that is currently broken. I just don’t go. I don’t have the desire to go. I don’t have the will to go. I know all of these things are wrong and I know I should get up and make myself go but I just struggle with it currently.
I have had trial after trial and these aren’t small trials. I trust God is doing what is best for me and yet I don’t give Him my best. I don’t devote the time I used to. I don’t go to church for Him. I don’t sing for Him. I don’t go to Bible study all the time for Him. Instead I get frustrated with all of the trials I go through daily. Funny thing is though the trials have made me stronger. I don’t really stress over them anymore I just pray and figure out what to do to move on. I might cry for a few moments but I am doing what I can to leap over the hurdles and trials.
I keep on praying to God what am I supposed to learn. What haven’t I gotten that I need to get. Maybe I am supposed to learn how not to stress over what is going on. I really don’t know what exactly I am supposed to be learning but it seems that as I just push through instead of feeling hopeless and helpless more positive things are happening in my life.
It is Wednesday and I am still waiting to hear back from the mortgage guy. When I dwell on it I feel like it is a killer but as I just sit back and accept I am not in control I am do okay.
Today is a new day and I have to take it on like the past is the past and today is fresh and new, even if things from the past still loom unresolved I know they will be resolved in His time.
Overwhelmed
This day has been so overwhelming. The sad thing is not much has happened. I have just worked myself up and been over emotional and nutty.
I got on the elliptical tonight for 12 minutes and burned 100 calories. It took me 12 minutes to burn 100 calories. That was really sad to even think about. I am so out of shape that it took me 12 minutes to burn 100 calories!
I have been falling back into old habits. Habits I don’t really want but it is how I have always dealt with anything. Get stressed – eat. Get overwhelmed – eat. Get happy – eat. Get sad – eat. I see a pattern and really I have control over it. I just decide not to control it.
I don’t need to eat junk food. I love fresh food. I love salad. I love cooking healthy.
Yet each and every day lately I am choosing to cook out of the box, eat from a fast food place and have gone back to drinking pop here and there.
Why?
Because I eat my feelings. All of them.
I don’t want to eat my feelings anymore but I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t have a therapist anymore to work through this. I use my blog and I don’t get it all out in the open and I am not always 100% honest with myself.
Tonight I was watching The Biggest Loser. I love this show. But each time I watch it I wonder what is really wrong with me. I mean really what is wrong with me? Why do I continue to fall into these habits? I do okay for a while and then here I am again.
Tonight though on the show while Jillian was talking to one of the members on the pink team something hit me. They were talking about a death and the unspoken words – the things that were never said. I have a very negative relationship with my mother. She is alive but I have never felt I was good enough for her. I will never measure up for what she expects for me.
I don’t even know how to explain it other than I love her to death but my relationship with her is toxic.
There have been so many times I would have loved to just walk away from it all but she is my mom. My children love her. Well part of the time. Well they love her but she is just as negative with them as she is with me.
I have tried to tell her before she is negative and she didn’t take it well. It turned around on me and I went back into my box.
I know my relationship with my mother is never going to be what most have and somehow I have to come to terms with that and accept it.
Friday Has Passed
So I guess those of you who come and read probably would like an update. I mean most of you have been with me through most of this divorce and those of you who are new to this divorce I am sorry because it is most of what I vent about.
Friday in so many ways was a joke. Well it wasn’t a joke but it was in so many ways.
It was my middle monkey’s official birthday. Hard to believe he is 11 years old! Where has the time gone? He was spending the weekend with his father so I really was not going to be able to see him much on Friday. I drove him to school. I sang Happy Birthday to him in the card. I enjoyed the few moments we had together.
Then we were off to drop off the youngest monkey so that we could head to court. I really just wanted the day to be over. I knew that after all that went on in the past couple of weeks the will be ex would be at court. I was hopeful his will be wife would not be there but she was. I see her and I just want to choke her. I will feel the same way about the will be ex as well. They both are so delusional. I mean I really believe they believe I am just after fucking them over (but that is in this story later).
So after getting to court and finding that everyone was there I went to see where our motion was to be held. It was supposed to be in front of the Judge because otherwise there is a 21 day waiting period. So when I saw that we were down on the 4th floor in front of the referee I about burst into tears. This motion is time sensitive! What really got me though was the fact that the withdrawal motion was in front of the Judge. There was nothing we could do about it though.
Then came the news that the will be ex and his lawyer might have made up and he would not be withdrawing from the case. Seriously?! That really is good news! It means the custody case is not going to be postponed any longer. It means that we were going back in front of the referee at the end of February. What it came down to was the will be ex had egg on his face. He got into a fight with his lawyer and accused him of not notifying him of the court date and his lawyer provided proof in an email that came from the will be ex confirming he got the information. So they made up and there would be no new lawyer! YAY!
Both of our lawyers had other cases to deal with and so the will be ex and his fiance had to go to a bank or something so they left. My jack in the box and I sat in the 9th floor just waiting. We walked the floor waiting. Then I stopped and looked out the window. Jack in the box stood next to me and I started to talk to him. I was watching will be ex walk from the bank back to the courthouse. I was telling him how sad it was to see him getting so bad. He really is getting worse. He is struggling to walk. I was standing there on the 9th floor of the courthouse with tears streaming down my cheeks because I feel so bad for him. If he really is dying I want him to have time with his son. No matter how much of an ass he is I have a heart. I am not a cold hearted person. I have feelings. I had him in my life from 1997 until I left in 2006. Not only that but it has been 3 years and 4 months of hell since leaving!
Jack in the box has a hard time understanding how after all he has done. After all he has said. After all I have listened to in the trial how I can cry when watching him walk. How I can give a rats ass about him dying and not being there for my middle monkey. Especially with how many problems we have with middle monkey when he comes back home from being with the will be ex.
I do though. I don’t really understand it either. He was horrible and mean and cruel. Sad thing is he still is that way towards me. So why do I care? Because it is who I am.
Anyway court finished for both of our lawyers we were getting ready to head downstairs the will be ex’s lawyer came back upstairs and said his client would be willing to allow the motion to go through if a couple of things happened. I knew it would come down to something. I knew there would be something he needed in return for all of this go go through. He is such a jerk. He can’t give anything without getting something in return.
So these were his requests:
- The “order” needed to me amended and instead of having a date (from 2009) when he had to have the home sold by he wanted it to be one year from when the quick claim deed is signed.
- He wants the divorce to be final with the custody being outstanding.
Okay for the 1st one I don’t care because the reality is if I was going to do anything to him I would have done it back in February 2009 when I found out the house had not been listed for at least 13 months at that point (so in August 2008 he lied on the record saying the house was for sale). I mean come on seriously if he would have been doing anything to sell the house nothing would have changed if I had to go and just sign the title over to the new owners. Give me a break. Just yet another bullshit way of putting off selling the house! So I agreed to let the “order” (as he was calling it) amended. I don’t figure I will be seeing any of it anyway.
Then as far as the divorce being final – I wanted this back in 2008 and the Judge denied it. So sure I agree to this but it isn’t going to happen. If your going to make me being allowed to purchase a house contingent on what the Judge will do muck off!
Anyway after conversing on the 9th floor we all went to the 4th floor so that the will be ex could approve what his lawyer was about to do. His lawyer shows up in the room saying that his client wanted us to go on the record saying that we had amended the order that was being referenced. Well here is the problem with that – it isn’t a lawyer. It was put on the record during a settlement conference and then the will be ex’s last lawyer and my lawyer wrote up a summary of the settlement and then they both signed it. It was never placed in our file. It was never signed by a Judge. It was never placed on the record as an order. It was NOT an order.
I sat in the conference room listening to the will be ex and his will be wife telling his lawyer that I was just going to fuck them over. How we say whatever to get shit through and then fuck him in the end. That he would not allow his lawyer to just initial the sheet that was not an order. It has to be placed on the record or the sheet of paper that was the order allowing me to get a house.
Okay so lets break this down. Lets put on the paper that I have to give to a mortgage company that we modified an order about the date of sale on the house and then have it signed by a judge. And then have the mortgage company ask for a copy of the order that does not exist?! I refused to have them put it on it. His lawyer finally agreed to sign.
Seriously he believes I am out to get him. He really think I just want to fuck him over.
Again I question myself on why I care and bend over backward for him on so many things?! Yet I keep on doing it.
Why? He makes my life a living hell! He makes everything impossible!
Anyway it was signed by the lawyers and it was signed by the Judge.
So I came home and sent the mortgage guy all the paperwork (I am still missing one part) but now we wait. Now I pray.
Prayers, Prayers and More Prayers
That is what I am asking for. We go to court tomorrow.
I am not anxious about tomorrow. I hope it goes my way but honestly I just want an answer. I just want to know if the money we are using for the house is going towards a house.
So tonight when I go to bed I just am going to be thinking and praying and talking to Him. I just want Him to know how I just want His will to be done.
Sometimes I don’t really feel that way because I want it to be my way. Really though I know He has my back. He has a plan and He has a time line and He is going to do what is best for me.
I have been asking Him a lot lately what is it that I have to learn? What lesson do I still need to take away from this in order for me to move forward?
Whatever it is I hope I learn soon. It seems when I learn a lesson things seem to go forward.
Please pray for tomorrow. I will be in the court room from 8:30 until Noon. It is first come first serve. So really I have no idea when I will be in front of the judge. It will all be okay though. This is on His time and I just have to accept that!
So, “Good-Night” to the friends who read this (or by the time they read this, “Good-Morning”).
Winter
For me I struggle with winter. I struggle because here in this dreadful state there is rarely any sun. I am bipolar and I need the sun. I really need the sun. So on those far and few between sunny days I love it.
I do have a new appreciation for winter though. I can go out and take photographs of the wonderful winter world that is out there!
It really is beautiful right after there has been a fresh snow fall.
One of my favorite things to find is a road or hill that has not been touch that is lined with trees. A fresh blanket of snow on all the tree branches and the ground with nothing disturbing it. The sun glistening off from the snow’s reflection. If I just close my eyes I can see the beauty.
Sadly I have not gotten out much this winter to take photos. We have not had a really rough winter. I am dying to get out to the lake shore to capture the winter wonderland that happens out there each winter! I was out there one already but it was only at the beginning and it was not as beautiful as it will be now. I am hoping that within the next week to get out there. To see the dunes covered in snow with the grass popping through it still. I am hoping for a beautiful day with a blue sky.
Right now when I look out my window it is snowing. We were supposed to get between 1 and 4 inches last night but I would say we didn’t even get an inch. The next two days we are supposed to get lake effect snow. Maybe by this weekend I will get out to the beach!
