So I sit back and think about all the things I really want to do before my time is done here and wonder how crazy I really am…

I really want another child. We have talked about it and I think we will try again next year. It will be a wait and see thing though. I really want to write a book. I know what type of book I want to write. Well honestly there is more than one. The ideas keep on coming to me on how to accomplish this but yet I do nothing about it. I want to be a photographer. I am sort of doing something about that since I am in school for it. There is more but I will focus on these for now.

I sit back though and wonder why don’t I just grab it all by the horns and go for it?

When it comes to the child I think what stops me there is my family. I know they are always so worried and disappointed and whatever else goes into their feelings. So I wait. I mean really we all make mistakes. We all screw up. We can all be redeemed though. Family and friends can be angry and hold a grudge and the thing is – that should not matter to me but at times it does. I mean I am here to make Him happy – not them. Sometimes I lose sight of that and worry about making family and friends happy instead of making Him happy. So if I feel like I should be having another baby with jack in the box then that is what I should be doing; not living with the fear of why my family will say.

When it comes to writing a book (or more than one) and why I have not done it – is me and my fear of failure. I have been told for a long time I really should write a book. I have started a few times but always ditch it. I think doing a children’s book with my photography would be fun to do! I would love to do a book on mental illnesses and what it really is. I would love to do a book on abused women and the progression they go through once they leave their abuser. I would love to write a fictitious book based on my life – sort of; hence the fictitious word. So what is it that stops me over and over and over – I think it is the fear of what people will think or say when they actually read or see it.

Oh my photography. I have loved taking photos as far back as I can remember. I worked at a portrait studio for a while when I was going to school. Now I am back at school. I am attending online going to Academy of Art University. Last semester was my first 2 classes. It was fun and scary and overwhelming all at once. When I told my mom though that I was going back to school for photography and what type of camera I would need she was as she normally is – negative. Her response to me enrolling in school was something along the lines of, “Do you really think you need to go to school? Are you really planning on using this to make money? Do you really need a camera that costs that much? Don’t you think there are enough photographers around already?” Yup – that was my response from my mom and the sad thing is – they really were not questions they were more of statements from her. What do I want to do with my photography – honestly I am not sure but I love, love, love taking photographs! I am having fun learning how to use my camera. I am catching my daughters life, which I didn’t really do with my sons (well I did but don’t really have those anymore). So what prevented me all these years from going back to school for this? Why did it take me so long to jump in? My family and my ex I believe. I am always to scared of what others will think.

So really what it comes down to is so often by what others say to me – I am made to believe I am crazy for what I want to do. So I don’t do it because I don’t want to be thought of as crazy. I have enough who think these things already!

I guess what I really need to ask myself is how do I move past these things and move forward with these things?