I am sitting on my bed tonight with my laptop on my lap and listening to Christian music. I am in need of something to make this empty feeling go away. This was a really rough day today. I was doing well one moment and not so great the next. Feeling confident one second and freaking out the next moment.

Then as this day came to a close I find out all the hard work. All the running around. All the prepping. All the subpoenas. All for nothing.

Instead of having Thursday from 9 to 5 we have Thursday from 9 to 12.  Not a big deal. Then the news that the will be ex and his side of things will be going first.

What could it be an answered prayer? In some ways it is. I mean I am really happy we are not going 1st because that means I am not first. At the same time though it scares me to think about what he is going to say. Like I have said I was not the best wife. I guess the biggest question if any of that is brought up will be what does being the best wife have to do with being the best mom?

I know He is with me. I know He is holding my hand. I know He has His arms around me. So why am I so worried? My faults being put out there for the world to see? I guess I do a pretty good job of pointing all of those out to the world myself.

I really don’t even know what is worrying me. Maybe it is the fact that I was feeling confident over what we had. Thinking we would be presenting our case first and that made me feel better. I mean this is a court hearing. It is a trial. We each get to present our sides. Or at least I hope we both get to present out sides.

I was notified today that the other lawyer recently had a case with this referee and after the other side having two 3 hours days to present something went wrong. They got there for the 3rd 3 hour day and was told by the referee that each side had 10 minute to present the rest of the case and then she was making a decision from that information. So not that it will or won’t happen but if it does happen – we are looking at having zero time to present our case. Why worry about the future though? It does no good.

I don’t even know what if what I am feeling qualifies as worry. Well I am sure it would. I guess I am not really feeling worry. I can’t even explain what I feel. I am sure those people who have heart attacks feel much the same. So I guess then that would mean I am having panic attacks. I have had those before though and it doesn’t really feel like this.

I could just sit down and cry right now. No reason really. I mean I was so worried about being the 1st person to testify and having no idea what to expect. So now – I don’t have to worry about that. So what is bugging me?

(do I sound like a broken record yet?)

It is like I finally got myself prepared for being up there. My part was going to be over on Thursday. The part that would be left was the will be ex’s. Now I have to sit through listening to what he has to say, wait for yet another date to listen to him and whomever else they have and then finally maybe by the third trial date – it will be my turn. Here I was thinking this summer was going to be okay. No worries. Just have a fun summer with the children.

Silly me for thinking things would go the way they are planned!

I had a friend say tonight she was so sorry things were not going my way. Funny thing is – who is to say things are not going as planned? How in the world would I know if things are going the right or wrong way? I have no clue and there is no way to know.

Okay – I am gonna sign off for now. Have some other things I need to get done.