Lovin and Livin
This is a place for me to just be me… (All content Copyrighted Yeve Eeffoc 2008, 2009)Archive for July, 2009
The Week Isn’t Over Yet!
I am feeling so good about myself for once. I am missing my best friend so much but she is happy. She is with her family. She is with her husband. I am trying to be really happy for her!
My goal for writing for 3 days a week was actually accomplished today! I had not planned on opening up my project and writing today but I did it anyway. The once I started I didn’t really want to stop. Actually I stopped and I didn’t want to but only because my baby girl is up and upset so I need to take care of her.
I just wanted to share the good news!
This week I have written for 3 days (goal accomplished)
Each day I wanted to write at least 1500 words (goal accomplished)
This week this is what I have accomplished and the week isn’t over yet!
Words: 6,048
Characters: 29,867
Pages (paperback): 15
Pages (printed): 23
It feels awesome!
Goals…
I tend to set goals for myself. I set them with myself and only tell myself. That way if I fail – no one else in the world knows I failed at it. It is my own personal success plan for failure!
A while ago – okay I am going to be honest with myself here and start over. Years ago I had a goal of writing a book. Now I do not claim to be an excellent writer. To be honest I am not sure anyone would even want to read a book I wrote. But that goal of writing a book was for myself. It wasn’t so the world could see me as a writer – it was so I could work on healing issues in my life.
I have started a book many times. What happens though is I start to write. I go over and read what I wrote and go that sounds like crap and delete it all. So even though I have written a ton of times – I have nothing to show for it.
Well I set a goal for myself. For the next month (as in 30 days here) I want to write at least 3 times a week with a minimum of 1500 words each time. Now as I sit here and see that – I kind of freak myself out. Really – I want to set that as a goal? I think I must be nuts then! That is what is really going on in my head.
I wonder do I really have that much to say to heal myself? Do I have that much to write about? The thing is – I know I do. It is those questions that make my mind wonder and then I convince myself how I am better off just letting it go by the wayside.
I made this goal this past Monday (July 27, 2009). I wrote that day. I am in the process of writing today even.
So now that I have put this goal out there for the world to see – will I keep myself accountable? I hope so!
I AM WRITING!
You know how wonderful it feels to actually be writing. I mean not blogging but writing!
This is what I accomplished today:
2718 Words
13567 Characters
7 Pages in Paperback Form
13 Pages in Manuscript Form
It just feels really good to have something accomplished.
She Going on Vacation and She’s Not Coming Back…
I have had loss in my life before. I mean seriously at 34 years old you have had some kind of loss in your life.
I have pretty much been crying for 22 hours straight now. I don’t think I have every cried so much in my life really.
Seriously I have had friends in my life come and go. So you move on and get new friends.
How though do you get new friends? I no longer work out of the house. I go to church but I am not really good friends with anyone there. I have been going since 2004 as well so I am pretty sure if I was going to become a good friend to someone – it would have happened already.
Honestly though – I don’t want another best friend. I want this best friend. She has been with me since 1998. I have seen her through a lot of things. She has seen me through a lot of things.
There is a plan for all I keep on trying to tell myself. The funny thing though is that we as humans don’t always follow His plan. We don’t – I don’t – they don’t. So how can I say there is a plan from all this?
Yesterday was the hardest good-bye ever. Those 4 beautiful children. Heartbreaking. They are like my own. They are my nieces and nephews. They are loved so much by me. I got home and sent a text to let her know I made it home and what comes back, “J started crying for you when you left and is still crying for you.” and then, “J says he can’t sleep without you here and he is still crying”. The second one was about a hour after I left their house. I was still crying as well. Oh my goodness – little sweet A broke my heart. She didn’t want to say good-bye to anyone that way she didn’t have to go. My heart was leaning in the same direction. The oldest one T is keeping everything inside. She will have an angry outburst here in the next month or so. She does not process emotions very well. She was trying to cry last night but never quiet got there. Then the littlest one R. Only 4 months older than my littlest monkey. The friendship they had will be gone. They call each other by name – even go around calling each others name when they are not around because they miss each other. That one is going to be hard for me – listening to my littlest say R’s name. Heartbreaking.
I know she isn’t going on vacation but I just keep trying to tell myself something because I am hurting so much right now.
I still have to go to her house at least 3 more times. That is going to kill me. Going there knowing they will never be back there. The first time won’t be so bad really – need to empty out the fridge the rest of the way and turn off the big freezer. The second time will be harder because the movers will be there to assess how long it will take to pack it all up. The third time is going to be horrible because I am going to watch my best friend disappear right before my eyes.
God grant me strenght. I don’t have legs right now so I need you to hold me up. I can feel myself slipping into depression already. I hate it. So please help me.
Very Small Weekend Update…
Well it is Sunday. I have started to go back to church. I haven’t been really feeling like going. Well that isn’t so true. I do feel like going but after a week worth of getting up 100 times at night and early in the morning I don’t get out of bed. So I haven’t been going to church and I have felt it.
Tomorrow my best friend leaves the state we live in to join her husband in another location. She has been my best friend for 11 years now. We have had good times and bad times but we always find our way back to each other. I have supported her in all the things she has chosen to do – even if I don’t agree. I have been hurt and I have been jealous; which by the way does not make for a very good friend. In the end though I love her and her children and her husband to death. He is being deployed and she is leaving to be with him prior to him going. I am glad she will have this time with him because you never do know what could happen (stuff could happen while they are here at home). I am going to miss her though – a lot.
Blessings…
Ever sit back and really take a look at your life and the blessings that have been bestowed upon you?
Daily there are a ton of things I am blessed with that I don’t even think about!
The fact I wake up. The fact I am able to walk. The fact I have such wonderful people in my life. I mean I really do have wonderful people in my life.
This upcoming semester I have a project where I need to shadow 3 photographers. Seriously what do you do – just walk into someones office and say, “Hey I am going to school can I shadow you?”. I mean really – I have no idea.
Yet I have been blessed with knowing people who are actually photographers. I have 2 of the 3 who have already agreed to what I need. I think that is a huge blessing in my life with everything else going on.
I tend to be a pessimistic person. I attempt to be optimistic but generally I suck at it.
So I am trying to look at the blessings in my life instead of all those things that are sucking in my life.
There are some things I really want to do with life and I think for the 1st time in a long time; if ever – I am actually on the right path.
I am truly blessed in this world. I have Him by my side and no matter what happens I will be okay. He is with me.
Right, Wrong and Not so Defined…
In the world we live in there are some clearly defined right and wrong things. Most of us even when we do wrong know that it is wrong. Of course there is always the exception (mainly those with a mental health issues who have lost the real world).
Like 99% of the people out there know that if the person in the car in front of you pisses you off – it is wrong to seek retribution. Flying up next to them on the shoulder of the road, attempt to ram your vehical into them, speed up to get in front of them and then slam on your breaks hoping they will run into you! Yet even though we know it is wrong – some people still do it.
Like 99% of the people out there know that if you get angry with a person – it is wrong to pull out a gun and shoot them. You can’t get so mad at someone that it is okay to pull out a gun and shoot someone – and yet some people still do it.
Like 99% of the people out there know that if you witness a car accident – it is the right thing to do to stop. You should stop and make sure everyone is okay, help if you can and be there for when the police show up. It is the right thing to do.
Like 99% of the people out there know that if you have to pay your electric bill – it is the right thing to do to pay it instead of spending the money on other things. You should pay that bill before it is due if you have the money.
Still there are those areas that are not so defined though. Usually those things are a matter of the heart/mind.
I used to just jump into situations that were not so defined. I used to say things like, “I am following my heart.” and at times still now I say it but I mean it in a different way. I have started to (most of the time) pray on things that are not so defined. I want to be doing His will. Now the reality is there are things that I do that are not His will and I know it.
What is the right thing to do when it is not so defined though? Do we just jump and pray it all works out after we have created a mess for ourselves? Do we pray on it and say if I really don’t feel resolution in (fill in the time frame) then I am doing what I want anyway? Do we pray on it until we really have a certain answer from Him?
Recently I am watching a friend just jump. Normally I vent and say things like how stupid can they be. Yet I am there when they need help with the bail out. This time however I won’t be there for the bail out. They are jumping ship and heading to a new state.
Don’t get me wrong – he husband is in the Army and is being deployed and I am happy they will have a short amount of time together before he goes. I just think since they have both made comments that no one has prayed over this. I voiced how I felt and why I felt that way.The sad thing she flat out said, “I know your right.” Yet she is still jumping.
Why as humans do we want what we want, when we want it? Why do we struggle so badly with doing things in His time and His way? Why do we feel we can just jump and then He will fix it? Why?
I am just as guilty as the next guy but why are we so desperate to do things our way instead of His way?
WOW
No other words can explain the feeling I have about today. For the 1st time ever inside a court room things went our way. I mean the reality is little things have gone our way but not really to the extent that he has lost time with the middle monkey.
This day was needed for me. I needed to feel like something was going right.
Don’t get me wrong – things could be going the right way and I would have no idea. So it was nice to feel like someone was on my side. Maybe that is a better way to say it.
I have been struggling for a while now. Struggling with being happy with how things are. I sat in that court room on the 24th and felt defeated. Listening to how those people “see” me was hard! Is it 100% accurate – no. Was there some truth from when they did “know” me – yes. Am I the same person I was back then – no.
So today was a huge victory for me. For many reasons.
I am feeling like I can be me again. I can get back on my horse that I fell off of. I can start the writing again. I can do the photos again. I can shine with who I am.
I am not perfect but I am loved. He loves me. As a matter of fact – He is particularly fond of me.
Vacation and Real Life
I always love taking a vacation. Time away from the real world for me these days are a premium. The reason it is a premium for me because right now each and every day is consumed with court/divorce crap.
Last week my vacation was camping with my family. About half way through it though I was contacted by my lawyer because the will be ex was raising hell about me going camping and him having to go pick up his child for visitation.
Mind you he has no issue driving all over the state for motocross stuff but to have his time with his son – having to drive is an issue. Again this just shows to me how much the case is not about the best interest of the child or how much time he wants with his son. If it was – he would have driven up to get him.
Vacations are a bitter sweet for me as well. I am bipolar. I am on meds and I am doing well. Yet time away from home throws the emotions on a roller coaster when I get home. Depression normally sets in within the first few days and then it takes a while to get up and going again on a normal keel.
Well this time is no different. Depression set in.
You know it is crazy. For a while I really did believe I was the issue with the whole divorce. After this latest “motion” was brought about I see how I really am not at fault for all of this crap. The will be ex and his lawyer are quoting the mediated agreement and it is wrong. Which leads me to believe his lawyer has not even seen the mediated agreement or his lawyer is really stupid.
Last year – less than a year ago actually – we were brought to court over this same issue by the will be ex and the then current lawyer (not the same lawyer he has now). They were told to put the mediation agreement in place until the custody evaluation was complete and then and only then could we come back if there were changes to be made. Well we never took them back to court for changes I guess mainly because they never put the mediation agreement into an order. The will be ex did not get the extra time and things he wanted and really did not want the mediated agreement. So the reality is – even after being told to put it into an order it was never done.
So his current lawyer is asking for attorney fees for having to take us back to court to get a visitation schedule put into place. I find it very funny when it was his motion last time and this time that have brought us to court for this crap.
I have come to realize I am drained from all of this. I mean really drained. This has been all consuming for a very long time now. It isn’t like there is ever a break either. My day to day life revolves around how and when the next explosion from the other side is going to take place. It is not anything other than a weekly thing.
The sad thing is the only person it is hurting in the real world is my middle monkey. He is the one being hurt. I could list endless things he has said to me that show how he is being hurt but what good does that do? Just goes to show I can’t protect him from the world and mostly from his father.
Vacations are fun but the return for me is a toll taker.
Real life for me has not been very fun for a long time. I have great moments with those I love but the reality is real life sucks the life out of me currently.
Ralph please hold me up so I can keep on going because I am certain that my legs don’t have the strength currently to do it.
