My life is nothing but stressful. I hate having a stressful life. I feel like I never have peace.

In 1 week I will be back in court for the custody trial. The will be ex will be on the stand first and then me. Then it will be jack in the box and then if there is time it will be the person who did the custody evaluation.

I am not prepared for this. We have a trial brief and I truly should know it from front to back so that when my lawyer questions me I can just answer the questions. Sadly I have not even looked at it since we wrote it up on June. I know I need to do it. I know I am running out of time. Still though I just have no idea how to fit it all in.

School has been stressful for me this time around. I am a grown up. I made the choice to go to school. I have to make myself to the work. I have to make myself do the assignments and participate in the discussions. I am struggling with all of it. Winter here in this dreadful state has been coming early. Which brings on the darn depression earlier. That I don’t think is the biggest problem. I think the biggest problem is the lack of time to complete these things. Jack in the box works so many hours that I play mom and get very little done with school work during the day. I do get some things done but not many. Most of the time by the time he gets home there is no sun so I can’t go do photographs. On the days he does have off he typically likes to hunt and fish or whatever. Which we both try to work it around so that he can do it and I can do school stuff. It just gets so darn hard. There are not enough days of the week and not enough hours in the day and not enough weather cooperating for me to do this crap!

That is the other issue – on the days I do have that I can go and take the photos for the assignments it seems to be raining here. Rain would be a great thing if I wanted a water photograph. Typically though that isn’t what my photo is supposed to be about. Sigh.

I have not been able to just sit and type this all out so while I wish it was a continuous blog it has not been and so my mind has shifted.

I have a lot of stress in my life and I hate it. There are a lot of things I wish went differently but they don’t. They are not things in my control to change either.

We always keep our eyes open for houses to rent/purchase. Each time we find something though it seems that we have spent our saved up money that was for moving out. Each day though I am reminded of how much I hate the place we are living. I know some of the things are stupid little things. Like the fact that I have had to replace just about every door knob in this house! Or the fact that I feel as if I need to walk around with a hammer because none of the nails stay in place in the trim and we rip a ton of clothing on them. Or how about the fact that all of the ceiling fan/lights are broken. Or the fact that my dad who isn’t an electrician but might as well be spent a day here fixing a lot of our electrical issues. Or how about the fact that I have to use duct tape on the furnace so that it runs. Or how about the fact that we have replaced the glass in 3 windows but the house really needs all new windows. Or how about the fact that there is a leak someplace since our last two water bills have been up over $500 and the last one was near $1000. Or how about the fact that our heating bill is nearing $200 a month year-round (we are on the budget). Or how about the fact that our electric bill is just about the same because some of our appliances have to run all the time in order to keep our food cold. Or how about the fact that under our sink is all black mold or if you look up in the shower the ceiling is all mold.

We spend so much money to live here that we have no money to save to move away from here.

I am so frustrated with being here. I am frustrated with a lot of things about this house but I am not willing to put the money into the things because it isn’t my house! We actually were going to buy this place. But considering he wants $150 for it. Considering the fact he bought it in 2000. Considering the fact the house itself is rotting and how much we would actually have to put into it to make it okay. It isn’t worth what he wants for it. I am not stupid. I might have been stupid to move here but I am not stupid in paying that much for this dump.

Deep breaths and let it all go…